Why it’s impossible to read your partner’s mind

Of course, the vast majority of people in this world don’t have the slightest faith in the ability to read minds. We laugh at the ridiculous notion that we could telepathically know what number a stranger is thinking of between one and a million, or that by laying our hands on someone else’s head we could know exactly what they dreamed about last night. However, despite the fact that we may be sceptics in other areas of our lives when it comes to romantic partnerships, we almost always act as though mind reading is not only possible but also a prerequisite for and a possibility of love. If this were not the case, we would have every right to complain about it with resentment and surprise.

We take it for granted, in a lot of different ways, that our partner must necessarily be able to automatically know the activities and preoccupations that are going on in our minds. When we talk about the perfection of a lover in the early days of rapture, one of the typical ways that our expectations come through is when we say that they seem to know what we are thinking without our having to say it…

But as relationships go on, our superstitious belief in mind-reading soon turns into something much darker. Take, for instance, when:

• We are irritated that our partner did not understand that the offensive remark we made was intended to be humorous.
• We have no idea how they could have possibly thought that the strange birthday present they gave us would be something that we would enjoy.
• We take offence at the fact that they enjoy reading a book that we have already judged to be ridiculous.
• They should have known that we wouldn’t want to go to the mountains this summer, and it’s really annoying that they didn’t.
• They are unable to comprehend the state of mind in which we find ourselves after returning from having lunch with our mother.

When we get worked up, it’s because we just can’t wrap our heads around the fact that certain concepts and emotions that are so clear and present in our heads shouldn’t be immediately obvious to someone who claims to care about us. We quickly come to the mistaken conclusion that the partner’s lack of comprehension can be explained in only one way: that it must be due to the partner’s stubbornness or spitefulness. As a result, it only seems fair that we respond with one of our basic forms of punishment in response to all those who should have known better: a sulk — that perplexing pattern of behaviour in which we refuse to reveal what is wrong to our befuddled partner for several hours or even a day or two because they should just know.

The beginnings of our illogical expectations are, in a certain sense, very heartwarming. When we were younger, our parents often gave off the impression that they knew what we were thinking even when we weren’t able to express ourselves verbally. They had an uncanny ability to divine our needs and anticipated that we might want some milk. They figured out, with the brilliance of a medium, that we required a shower or a nap, or that a blanket was a little too scratchy for our cheeks. And from this, an equation began to take shape in our heads, which stated as follows: Whenever I am loved in the appropriate manner, I do not need to explain.

But despite how well our parents were able to read our minds, they had a significant advantage over our partners because, back then, we were incredibly straightforward individuals. We only needed to be fed, bathed, slept, and taken to the bathroom, and we could be entertained with a picture book or a piece of string. Our needs were very simple, which was a great thing. Our minds did not pick up on even the slightest tremors of sarcasm or hypocrisy, and we were not even able to be thrown off by the incorrect pronunciation of a word. However, we did not have any advanced views on politics, and we did not have any complicated opinions on interior design.

How much further along the path to complexity we have travelled since then? A table must be placed evenly in a room twenty centimetres from the entrance to the kitchen; we like it very much when our companion rolls up their sleeves but hate them wearing a short-sleeved shirt, especially the ecofriendly one; we like being teased (but only sometimes, and never about our age); we are very important of our mother but can’t allow anyone to bring up her habit of being late; we come across as confident but can’t allow anyone to mention our mother’s habit of being The fact that our partner is unable to know all of this immediately and definitively feels unavoidably like an intimate insult, and the difficult task of explaining our thoughts and attitudes feels like an unreasonable imposition.

However, once we come to terms with the fact that mind reading is not possible, a significant part of our partnership will consist of the patient and thoughtful process of determining, while in one another’s a company, what is important to each of us and why this is the case, along with all of the moments of genuine insight and surprise that this will entail. We trust that this is not an assault on the concept of love while acknowledging that there will be a great deal that we need to guide each other about who we are virtually every day. This is something that we have accepted.

Why you can’t read your partner’s mind
No matter how hard you try,
You can’t see inside or tell what’s on their mind.

 

It’s like a book that’s closed tight,
You can’t tell what’s inside,
No matter how you try to pry.

 

It’s like a secret they won’t share,
No matter how close you are,
Some things, they need to keep hidden and bare.

 

It’s like a puzzle to solve,
That’s just too hard to crack,
No matter how hard you try to evolve.

 

So learn to accept the mystery,
That you can’t read their mind,
And love them for who they are, sincerely.